I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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