i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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