the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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