So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
