I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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