Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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