I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
