Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
