better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
