dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Holy shit dude........stairs
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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