I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize