Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
