A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
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I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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