i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
