remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
