The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
