My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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