hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
