Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
