They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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