allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
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