Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
