my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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