Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
