i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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