I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
