Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
