how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
