hell yes lets make some ravioli
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
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Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
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You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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