Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm passing your future prison.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
