Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
