All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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