Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
