how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
