if only i could text you this smell
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Randomize
