I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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