Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
