She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Of course I have a pirate flag
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
