Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
