Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
40s are totally the cure
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
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