Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
