The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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