that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Randomize
