Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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