she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
