If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize
