I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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