My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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