3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I have fence marks all over my body
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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