His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
