I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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