Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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