if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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