No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
