I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My hand turned me down
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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